Sometimes Life Is Like A Roller Coaster

Life has been quite the roller coaster this past month. First they tell me that it is likely cancer, then they think it's not cancer, then the pathology report comes back that it is two types of cancer. Today we sat down for the followup appointment with the surgeon. He said that he looked up the type of cancer it is and that he thinks they got it all and that I don't need any further treatment - except yearly checkups. I like that news - except that with the way things have been going - I don't know how much I can trust his knowledge on cancer.


I think I will play it safe and get a second opinion.


Image Credit: Roller Coaster

Bring on the warm weather!

Summer is finally here! Or, at least the summer weather is! 

Angel and Handsome were just eating up the warm weather, and I have to admit that I love hearing their squeals of delight as they dash through the sprinklers!

I love my little kiddos!

Saddle Up Anyway!

Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway.

 - John Wayne

I love it when I go to church and it is as if the speaker is speaking directly to me! Today one of the speakers spoke on courage and it gave me added strength for the road a head. His whole talk was an excellent one, but these two statements, along with the one above - most especially spoke to me:

The courage to suffer may be harder than the courage to die.

Satan stops our communication with Heavenly Father most effectively through fear. 

I've never considered myself to be one with a lot of courage, maybe that is yet another lesson to learn from this trial, because it is definitely time to saddle up!

Image Credit: Montana Writer

Blessings

Sometimes Heaven's blessings are sent by the Spirit, other times they are sent through a friend. Thanks to my sweet friend!
 They made my day!


And, maybe not as easy to display, but just as meaningful to me are all the friends and family who are helping us out so much with meals, tending, phone calls, emails, hugs, and support. Thanks and love you all!

There will always be sunshine.....

Yesterday, we woke to rain and clouds. I should have known.

The bad news came and like the clouds my day was heavy and dreary and a little wet.

But, today there was sunshine!

Sunshine in the giggles from my Angel as I held her close and smothered her with kisses.

Sunshine from Handsome as I watched him chase his frisbee trying so hard to throw it just like his Dad.

And sunshine from my Sweetheart as he tucked little Handsome in bed, read him stories, sang him songs, and knelt with him to pray.

There may be clouds. There may be rain. But, there also will always be sunshine.

 Image: nuttakit / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My Lemonade From Heaven (Part 2)

Part 2: "Please, let me come to earth"

(To read Part 1, go here)

I had gone off birth control. I knew now that there was a possibility that I could get pregnant. Part of me wanted to be excited about having another baby, but most of me was still upset.

In December, we decided to take a trip out to California. We took the kids to Disneyland. We stopped and played at the beach. We enjoyed every minute of it.

During the last few days of our vacation, we went to stay with Grandma. It was so relaxing. With Grandma's age, we decided it would be better to just be at home with her rather than take her out. The kids had fun spending endless hours in the surrounding orange orchard. My sweetheart just enjoyed not having any type of work to be attending to, and I curled up on the couch to do something I hadn't done in a long time.

The book sat on Grandma's end table. We Lived In Heaven was the title. It looked interesting and so I began to read.

As I read, I found that each chapter was written by a different author - each with a very different life     (different religion, background, ethnicity, etc). But,  each with one similarity. They each wrote of the account of one of their children appearing to them before they were born - most before they were even conceived.

Each story was different. There were different reasons that they children appeared to their parents, different settings, different circumstances. But, as I read I had the overwhelming sense that each of those children wanted so very  much to come to the world and wanted to be a part of that family. The  cry from each of these children was, "Please, let me come to earth. I so very much want to be a part of  your family."


With each page I read, my heart softened more.

I now understood.

It wasn't about Heavenly Father demanding I do certain things. It wasn't that He wanted me to just have endless amounts of children for no other reason but because He said so. It wasn't about that at all.

It was about this little child, who so very much wanted to come and be a part of our family. And then I could feel his presence, his love, his love for our little family. And that is when things started to change.

It's funny how our perception of our Heavenly Father can get so twisted - so incorrect. I always viewed him as an all powerful, a bit overbearing God, who made the rules because He could and that was just the way it was. A bunch of rules to be followed.

I began to realize that what our Heavenly Father asks of us is for a specific and important reason. A reason that is not at all about His powerful, almighty, rule and authority over us. But, rather out of a true divine love for us and wanting the very best for us. Our Heavenly Father cares very deeply for each and every one of us.

To be continued . . .

To read part 3 - go here.

My Lemonade from Heaven (Part 1)

Part 1: "But, I will NOT be happy about it." 

I always wanted to be a mother.

The day could not come soon enough.As a child, I dreamed of that day. As a newlywed, I could not wait until it was time.

And then it happened. My sweet little Handsome was born. It was love at first site!

But, with it came things I did not expect. Things I didn't think were part of the fairy-tale of mother hood. Handsome had health problems. Separately they each would not have been a problem, but together and most especially because we did not know what was wrong - they became quite a challenge. Especially to a new little mother, who wanted more than anything to just enjoy her baby.

We made it through the first year of his life and things got better - much, much better. And then another year and a half went by. As much as it frightened me to have to possibly endure what I had again, we knew it was time to have another. I hoped and prayed so deeply that this time it would be different.

Angel came to us not long after. Her arrival, the delivery, was nothing like the most difficult delivery that her brother's had been. I was optimistic. We brought her home and her first week of life was wonderful. It was just what I had always imagined.

And then the dream was broken. By the second week of life, things had changed. I recognized quickly the health problems she was having - very, very similar to her brother. Only this time, it was much worse.

How I longed for her to be a normal baby. To eat like other babies, to sleep like other babies. I did my best to endure the hours and hours of screaming crying. It did however, take it's toll on me. I soon was at the bottom of darkness. A place I hate to remember, and a place I never wish to return.

That struggle was in and of itself a story, another post someday perhaps, but just know that by the grace of God I made it through to the other side . . . and much, much stronger because of it.

Little Angel grew and like her brother, with age things became much easier and her problems lessened. She was about to turn three and we had come so far!

People often asked me how many children we thought we would have, if we would have another. I did not like that question. I did not like the answer.

My husband and I knew that there was another one in heaven, another one that Heavenly Father wanted to join our family.

But, I was bitter. Very bitter.

I had no desire to endure what I had had to endure with the birth and first year of life with both of my children. I did not want to do it again. I even sought out options of adoption. I joked with my sister-in-law about her having a baby for us. I thought that way, maybe we could avoid the problems we had had before. But that was not how it was supposed to be, I needed to give birth to another child.

And so I gave in . . . not happily though. I basically said in my heart, "Fine Heavenly Father, because I know I should do Thy will, I will have another baby. But, I will NOT be happy about it . . . I will not be happy about it."

To be continued . . .

Image Credit: Free Digital Photos

Surgery & A Wonderful Day

This is me just before the surgery - lovely, huh? You can see the word "yes" the doctor wrote on my neck. Good thing he did, or I would have woken up with out a leg or something! 


I wish we would have remembered to take a picture after the surgery - but it's probably better that we didn't - who knows how scary that one would have been! 


Anyways, I turned out to be a wonderful day! From the ultrasound and biopsy they had told me it was highly likely that it was cancer. My life was completely turned upside down over the past few weeks. However, yesterday I felt like I got my life back - except now I have such a better perspective on life. I came out of surgery with only 1/2 my thyroid gone. Several different doctors looked at the lump after they removed it and they now think it is highly unlikely that it is cancer. We will know for sure within a few days. Thanks for everyone's prayers, concern, and help! I feel very loved and blessed to have you all in my life!

How will I make it to tomorrow?

I spent the day rushing around to get everything ready before my surgery tomorrow. By 7:00 pm - I had had it! I was exhausted, and I think the strength of trying to keep the worry and emotions all in - had finally caught up a bit with me.

"How will I make it to tomorrow?" I wondered. I wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry - I didn't think I had much more in me to tough it out.

But then, heaven helped me again.

No matter how many priesthood blessings I receive or witness - they never cease to amaze me. And this one touched my soul.

Everything will be ok. My heart is calm. I know that my Savior loves me.

Nearer to God

Yesterday the pre-surgery jitters set in and I was a little bit more nervous (I'm sure  staying up late over the weekend and then over-dosing on Easter candy didn't help out either!)

But, then a wonderful thing happened. I commented on Facebook about my jitters and an outpouring of love and support and prayers filled my inbox - yet another reason that I know all will be well!

I found this video and it touched my soul. Tears come to my eyes as I watch this video and the spirit  strengthens me. I am not alone nor is my family. Angels are round about me to bear me up!




The quote by Richard G. Scott at the end, is my favorite part:

When suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God then we've ever been in our entire lives. That knowledge can turn every such situation into a would be temple. Regarding our earthly journey, the Lord has promised, 'I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left. My spirit shall be in your hearts and my angels round about you to bear you up.' That is an everlasting declaration of God's love and care for us - including and perhaps especially in times of trouble. 

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To learn more about Stephanie, check out her blog: NieNieDialogues

A new meaning to Easter

Easter. It's meaning for me has evolved  over the years.

It started out to be just all about the candy. I know my mother's efforts to help me see greater meaning were there – but my childlike excitement of Easter Egg hunts and eating my way to a sugar-induced coma – won over for awhile.

Then gradually as I matured, the meaning of Easter became more. I began to understand the deeper meaning and the celebration of our Savior, His life and resurrection. As years past, it's meaning stretched into understanding of the atonement, repentance, and becoming more Christlike.

One year, I distinctly remember, the message of Easter was very much the message of strength. Strength beyond my own. Strength, clarity, peace, and wisdom beyond my own. The strength that comes as we ask and allow the atonement to help us do things that left to ourselves we would not be able to do. Strength that can lift us, even in our most darkest hours. I learned a lot that Easter.

I was to a point that I thought that I had learned all that Easter was about, all that the atonement offers.

Life was good. Very good. My worries were small, life's obstacles easily resolved, and I felt almost guilty to have things so well. And as much as I'm sure Heavenly Father was happy to see my family and I so happy.....he knew it was time.......

Time for me to grow.

And so this Easter has brought yet another meaning. I am beginning to learn about yet another aspect of the atonement and the Savior's love for each of us.

I would be lying if I did not say that many tears have been shed since that first day that my doctor's nurse called me. I have cried at first out of fear and worry. At other times the tears came when the “what if's” have crept into my mind.

But overall, an amazing thing has happened. Amongst all the worry and struggle that naturally comes with news like this, an even more powerful feeling has come into my life. An overwhelming amount of calmness has come to my spirit and mind. I have felt the spirit more intensely that I have ever before felt. The spirit has told me that “no matter what happens – everything will be ok.”

And that is the new meaning that Easter has brought this year. That through the Savior's atonement, I can be calm and at ease in a time when I could so easily feel like my world was crashing in on me. And that ultimately through the resurrection, “no matter what happens, everything will be ok.”

I will be forever grateful for my Heavenly Father and for my brother Jesus Christ, for caring so deeply for me and for strengthening me in my time of need.  

Image Credit: lds.org

The way it is......

It was a Tuesday. I was at the end of a long week of bed rest. I went in for my regular pregnancy exam. The small tear in my uterus had healed and I was told that I was free to go about life like normal.

My doctor continued the exam, doing the regular overall checkup that I'm sure she has done many times before. She asked to feel my neck, I absentmindedly agreed. She felt down along my neck and then stopped. “Feel this nodule,” she said to me. I felt my neck and pretended to feel the odd lump, but really it just felt like my normal neck. “You need to go have an ultrasound taken of the lump,” she informed me.

I obeyed. I had the ultrasound done, was told that the doctor would have the results in a day or two, and I went home. I didn't think too much more about it.

Early the next morning, the phone rang. It was the doctor's nurse. “We have the results of the ultrasound in, and it is suspicious of ….,” the nurse rattled off some long strand of medical terms. “What does that mean?” I asked. “It means that we are suspicious of thyroid cancer,” she said quietly. I immediately had so many questions. “What did I need to do? What would happen?” My mind was swirling. She reassured me that it may not be cancer and that if it was - that thyroid cancer is highly treatable. She set up an appointment for me to have a biopsy, and I hung up the phone.

Several days later, I had the biopsy done and I would have to wait to find out the results at an appointment with a surgeon.

Soon it was time to meet with the surgeon. I must admit that I had butterflies in my stomach.


He settled into his chair in the exam room. Again, it was a strand of medical terms and information way beyond my understanding.


 But after a long discussion, it basically boiled down to this:

From the biopsy, he was still not 100% sure if it was cancer or not, but it was highly likely that it was. And, whether it was cancer or not, I would need to have the nodule removed and possibly my whole thyroid. He informed me that a pathologist would be present during the surgery and that he will possibly be able to tell during the surgery, whether it was cancer or not, and if it was, he would then remove my whole thyroid.


If it is cancer, then I will need to have radiation after the baby is born.

And so, my surgery is set for this Thursday, April 12^th.

Image credit: Women's Web