My Lemonade from Heaven (Part 1)

Part 1: "But, I will NOT be happy about it." 

I always wanted to be a mother.

The day could not come soon enough.As a child, I dreamed of that day. As a newlywed, I could not wait until it was time.

And then it happened. My sweet little Handsome was born. It was love at first site!

But, with it came things I did not expect. Things I didn't think were part of the fairy-tale of mother hood. Handsome had health problems. Separately they each would not have been a problem, but together and most especially because we did not know what was wrong - they became quite a challenge. Especially to a new little mother, who wanted more than anything to just enjoy her baby.

We made it through the first year of his life and things got better - much, much better. And then another year and a half went by. As much as it frightened me to have to possibly endure what I had again, we knew it was time to have another. I hoped and prayed so deeply that this time it would be different.

Angel came to us not long after. Her arrival, the delivery, was nothing like the most difficult delivery that her brother's had been. I was optimistic. We brought her home and her first week of life was wonderful. It was just what I had always imagined.

And then the dream was broken. By the second week of life, things had changed. I recognized quickly the health problems she was having - very, very similar to her brother. Only this time, it was much worse.

How I longed for her to be a normal baby. To eat like other babies, to sleep like other babies. I did my best to endure the hours and hours of screaming crying. It did however, take it's toll on me. I soon was at the bottom of darkness. A place I hate to remember, and a place I never wish to return.

That struggle was in and of itself a story, another post someday perhaps, but just know that by the grace of God I made it through to the other side . . . and much, much stronger because of it.

Little Angel grew and like her brother, with age things became much easier and her problems lessened. She was about to turn three and we had come so far!

People often asked me how many children we thought we would have, if we would have another. I did not like that question. I did not like the answer.

My husband and I knew that there was another one in heaven, another one that Heavenly Father wanted to join our family.

But, I was bitter. Very bitter.

I had no desire to endure what I had had to endure with the birth and first year of life with both of my children. I did not want to do it again. I even sought out options of adoption. I joked with my sister-in-law about her having a baby for us. I thought that way, maybe we could avoid the problems we had had before. But that was not how it was supposed to be, I needed to give birth to another child.

And so I gave in . . . not happily though. I basically said in my heart, "Fine Heavenly Father, because I know I should do Thy will, I will have another baby. But, I will NOT be happy about it . . . I will not be happy about it."

To be continued . . .

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